Been blah

Haven't really felt much like writing, of course the other side of that is writing usually helps me feel better. Sorta a bad twist eh? Just haven't really had much to say. Been doing Christmas stuff half heartedly, only fun part is getting stuff for the kids, but thats usually the fun part. Decorating is done, but only cause the tree by itself looked a bit too lonely for my tastes.

Other than that, lots of mental stuff, talking bout colleges for Vince, playing with finances and trying to pay things off as well as fund our trip up to New York at Christmas.

Trying to get on track, actually doing better with my exercise than I have for a while. I want to be under 200 by Jan, doesn't that sound good?

Dreams

Every night I dream about my father. They aren't bad dreams, they aren't really good dreams either. Mostly its about his death and the funeral afterwards, about the burial and talking to people around me. Alot of family members there, all comforting and helpful, but I keep SEEING him dead and in the casket.

There isn't any guilt associated with it, just sadness and lonliness and just alot of not wanting to believe its all real. Maybe thats why I'm dreaming this all the time, because I still don't want to believe its real and my mind is trying to remind me gently that it surely is.

Daytime is mostly alright, mom is still home/off work so its not like I can't pick up the phone and call her like I did dad so often, but she goes back next week and I'm just dreading that first time I forget and run in to lift up the phone and call dad about something stupid or silly I just read about...

I guess I just really wonder if this is normal, I don't recall ever dreaming about my grandmother like this, but that was a bit different.

Back to Normal?

Is it? I've been trying. Yesterday was the first real 'normal' day I've had since the 5th. Cleaned house, took care of bills, didn't manage to exercise but I did alot of up and down and moving all day.

Kids in school, doing well. Found out some good news, adoption seems to be free at the base, so that will be a wonderful thing. I want to start the process even though Kat isn't 14 yet. I think we have a chance with his serious lack of communication. Not sure if Vincent will be or not, but its his choice. I don't want to push, and I admittedly did a little. I'll back off now and just it all stir around in his head for a while.

Megan's room is CLEAN finally, and she pulled a 'move' yesterday and changed it all around while we were downstairs. Silly child. Shes growing and changing big time right now, has her own style and self awareness thats peeking out. Its really wonderful to see.

Brian and I.. things are better, hes communicating a bit more or at least faking it good enough. I don't feel quite so alone in everything and even got compliments on how I have been handling things. Thats new. Its never been that its horrible, its just been lonely from time to time and I don't know how to pull him back into our lives. I've gotten away from my 'gaming', I can honestly take or leave it at this point. Its mostly a time killer for the middle of my day instead of watching stupid soap operas. Of course, I still enjoy the game, and my time with my friends, but its not what drives me anymore.

Other news, if you noticed the ticker at the top of the page, my weight went from 213 to 207 since I got home. I'm surely not going to complain, but I did step on and off the scale a few times to check. It coulda been a low fluctuation, but I'll take the number. I'm still actually 2 pounds off for the whole month, the first month I have a chance at not hitting my goal. I DO think its excused and I'll be just fine if I dont make it. I still made forward progress and I'm not going to complain. Going to get myself back on the treadmill today, have a feeling its gonna hurt after 2 weeks of nothing.

Home safe & sound

Dealt with the ex after I got home. Took Vince off into my room and we had a long sit down talk. I explained to him alot of things, pointed out how little if anything he is getting from this relationship with his father and then I put it simply, I'm making the decision here, communication stops. Its a year and a half just about till hes 18, thats the least amount of time that hes actually been gone, most times its 2, 3 or 4 years at a time hes out of their life. When hes 18, he can take on his dad again.

Then I had to call Mike, and let him know. He of course had that way of making me feel like he'd done nothing wrong and it wasn't HIS fault. Course not. He pissed me off mentioning my father over and over, so I put a stop to that. Then I told him he can take me to court if he wants to talk to Vince again, and good luck on that.

Felt good in the end, Vince seems alright so far. We'll just play it by ear and see how it goes.

Good news (is there room for any?) I actually kept myself from gaining weight while in Ohio, and lost 3 more pounds to boot. 70 lost, 60 to go. 10 more to get under 200. I really want that number now. Thats a HUGE goal. And I'll get there, no matter what.

Final conclusion on dad's death certificate was cause of death was heart failure due to diabetes. I'm losing weight because I'm scared to death to develop diabetes like my father and go through all that. I won't do it, I just can't do that.

Our 11th anniversary is today... hard to imagine thats for sure. Celebrated last night with the kids. Went to see Harry Potter & out to eat. Felt good, needed some family time without other distractions. Did I mention, I missed my kids more than I thought I would?

Flying home

I'm not ready to go home. I feel unfinished here. I know there isn't much left to do and Mom is able to handle it, but I wanted to get to that place where it was finally a bit quiet, where I could in fact grieve a bit. But I'm flying home today because my ex is a complete and utter asshole.

Briefly, hes paid about 1.5 years of child support out of 11 years. He had no contact with the two kids from 2001 till this summer, his choice. He only got in contact with Vincent because he called him in the first place. Vince actually visited him for 3 weeks this summer because it was something he had to do for himself.

The day before my dad's funeral I learned my ex was in jail, two counts identity theft. No other real details. I told Vin after the funeral and he actually handled it ok. When he uttered these two phrases, "I saw this coming," and "glad I didn't get to attached," I knew he'd be ok. Now, last night, he CALLS my HOUSE and first asks to speak to me, second to vincent. Now I know this cause I was actually on the phone with Kat while she answered the house phone. I was baffled about who the hell it could be asking for me then Vince, then Vin told her it was Mike. I asked Brian to go upstairs to be there with Vince, not knowing what the hell he was talking to him about.

Anyways, bout ten minutes later I get a call back, with more details. He had the nerve to ask Vin if he still wanted to come out next summer, after asking him about school and what not Vin actually asked him, "so I thought you were in jail?" What a kid. So Mike is now pissed that we told Vin I guess, I don't care, its not his right to keep that from him. He gave up that right when he got himself in jail. But Vin is actually messed up enough that he told me he needs me home. I have to go home, I have no choice. I have to be there for Vince. But it HURTS so bad that my ex can fuck over my family like this. He can make us dance to his tune and I hate it.

I hope this is the final straw, I hope Vince sees it as hes done everything he should do as a son, Mike is not a father worth having any contact with. He KNEW Vince had just lost his grandfather and he pulled this CRAP on him. Probably didn't even ask him about any of that, no that would be way too out of character.

Clothes

Dear god but it was hard last night. We decided to tackle my dad's clothes. I knew it was gonna be hard, but some of the shirts.. All the memories flooding in of seeing him wearing them. The newer ones weren't so bad, I'd hardly seen some, but then we got through it and it just never got easier.

At the end, Mom and I turned to one another, and as she hugged me she told me 'It just feels like I'm throwing him away." We know we aren't, we know they gotta go. I didn't want to force her to do it so soon, but honestly I was afraid she just wouldnt get to it very soon on her own, and I didn't WANT her going through that on her own.

I'm taking some home for Vince, I think he'll use them. If he doesn't then I can get rid of them there, but Mom will feel better. She didn't want to throw any away, but we didn't think even Good Will would take alot of them. I know theres been a surplus of clothes in the system after hte hurricanes, I've read about warehouses full of clothes going to rot because they just weren't needed. What a bloody shame.

More phone calls today, maybe some running around for me. Mom is dreading today I think. We really need to get ahold of Prudential, thats where most of the policies are. Cross your fingers for us k?

Paperwork

UGH! YUCK! So much freaking paperwork its not funny. And the phone calls. Good grief. Call social security, call this insurance, call that insurance, call the car dealership, visit the attorney. And everyone wants their own copy of the death certificate which costs 17 bucks a piece. Here your loved one has died, we're sorry, but if you want to collect that insurance we owe you, jump through our hoops and make sure you dont forget to cross your t's and dot your i's.

Its not horrible, but I can just see how it would be worse. And we have several calls still to make today, ones that called back yesterday while we were out with the lawyer.

Also, everyone is dealing more with their own mortality, and mom especially wants to make sure everything after her now passes to Dan and I. Thats fine, I told her I can deal with the business end of it, I just proved myself here. Nothing like trial by fire on that one. But heres the big part of it, now some might call me stupid, I say its just who I am. My parents have a house free and clear, been paid off for a few years. My brother lives at home still, and my parents always loved having him here. Its not a hardship or a burden, its how it is. When mom dies (which the way the women in our family live, won't be for 20-30 more years at least) I think Dan should get the house. We all agree on that part. What freaks my mother out is that I don't want 'half' the value. Its not a small amount, I'll freely admit that, but whats involved in getting that amount I cannot do. It would mean my brother would have to mortage the house to pay me my half, and therefore be paying me technically for years. That makes my stomach churn to think of. I cannot fathom that money is worth more than my brother's well being ever could be. Hes not rich either, and if he ends up having the house to deal with entirely, well hes going to need every dime hes got.

Mom wants it to be a more 'fair' distribution, well fine. Make up for it with insurance or whatever, we know I'll be the one paying and taking care of all that anyways. Dan won't want to step up, he didn't this time why would that change. Not that I blame him or upset about that at all. I'm not. He couldn't do it, I wanted to do it, it works out in my opinion. I told my mom, my brother's state of mind and life are worth more than anything. I don't know him as well as I would like too, I guess no one really does according to mom. I just don't want to make his life harder. Now if he goes off and gets married, moves out or whatever, then fine, we can do it differently. But as long as hes living here, I will NOT make him mortage this house.

My kids are all doing well, got themselves off to school the first day, and Brian has worked out that he can stay home till about 6:30 so he'll be able to make sure they are awake before he goes. He'll be home a bit early as well so all should be alright. I miss them, report cards for Vin and Kat come out today and I'm all excited cause I was told yesterday they are doing awesome this time, a's and b's!! Vincent's average went from a 2.8 to a 3.2 from last year... WOOT!

Did I mention I have awesome children?

Deep Breath

I feel like I can finally breathe.. I'm not recovered or over it or ok with it all in any frame of mind, but I can just breathe now knowing that the funeral, that all those formalities are handled and done with. Now its just time to live with what has happened and put back pieces.

My kids and husband are flying home today. That is SUCH a mixed bag of emotions for me. Logically, they have too. Its so much better for them to be at home. They have to get back to school on Monday and I dont know if they have projects to finish or any homework or what not, but to have the weekend to recoup, to sleep in their own beds and have their things and friends around them is far more healthy for them than to stay here.

They did so wonderfully though. It has affected each of them in their own unique way. Wednesday, Megan was so strong and brave and then at the funeral she lost it, just broke down and let it all go. By the time he was in the ground and the dirt was going in, she was recovering and feeling better. She put some flowers on the top and sad it helped her to be able to do that. She is one resilent kid.

Vincent was alot more withdrawn about it, but he let himself cry at the calling hours, and I'm not quite sure during hte funeral, but he was definitely doing better. Kat.. I'm not so sure about her yet. She seemed to cry it all out at the news, before we even flew up, but I'm just not so sure she's really let go, or let it sink in. She spent so much time with Grandpa over the summer that I just can't imagine she's grieved fully yet. I sorta worry bout sending her home before I know shes alright for real. Of course she says she is, but thats another story.

Always There

There are words every daughter could say of her father, of always being daddy’s little girl, and I could use any of those words to invoke all the memories and feelings of him during my lifetime. But those words pale next to the truth of just who my father was and will always be in my thoughts.

My father was always there, always. There is a constancy about him, a great truth of character that many are afraid to show. Not a soul could make him be other than he was, and above all else, he was always there.

Memories return countless images of a life lived beyond fullness, I find comfort in that he has gone home, but I hurt with the desperate selfishness of knowing he will not be there for the remainder of my life.

He was always there, now he is always and forever part of me, in my heart and soul and the very best memories of my life.


- Your devoted daughter
Tammy

Dad's Obit

I wanted to do most of the writing for it, that really was important to me. Its odd the things we are all finding important. Dan had a very specific casket that he saw and wanted, mom was more specific on the flowers and aspects of the service, me, the writing is really important to me. Words to convey all the feelings you can in such a small space.

Dad's Obituary

Funeral is Thursday, calling hours Wednesday. Sending Brian & Kids home on Friday so they don't go completely crazy. No reason for them to stay after that when they have a huge bunch of stuff to make up when they get home. Get them back into their beds and around friends.

My aunts fly in later today, going to have my cousin take the kids out of the house for the night. They aren't staying here, but they are gonna be more a wreck than mom and I have been to this point I think. Don't want the kids in the middle of it really.. the funeral home will be enough for them I think in that department.

Oh yeah.. Kat is gonna wear a skirt... I'm so terribly proud of her.

Writing and planning

It is still surreal. I'm at my mother's house and planning my father's funeral. Details that you would think would set you off hardly cause a stir of the heart, but then other things.. picking out the clothes he will be buried in set off this hot flash of emotions as you sort through the clothing and catch that faint scent of a smell that is undeniably the remnants of the person you loved so desperately.

I want to write something to read at the funeral, well I wrote it already. Now to figure out if I can have the strength to stand up there and not break down. Part of me thinks I will regret it if I don't, but then again I know my father would not care either way.. I can hear him in my head yelling at me and Mom already and telling us to just cut it out and get on with it already. I know deep down that he is content and at peace, and those smiles that come onto my face battle the tears and the lonliness of losing him so unexpectedly.

Of course, the funeral home planning is today, we'll see how I manage to make it through that part.

...

Worst phone call of my life to date..

My father passed away sometime yesterday. At the moment it seems it was most likely in his sleep, which is the best way to go.

So thankful I spoke to him Thursday..

Changes

So, I got my hair cut yesterday. I haven't had it this short since I was 19. It FEELS really good, but I don't love it yet. Still playing with it and trying to figure out how to style it. I might have to get it trimmed a bit more, unsure.

As I sit here sometimes coming down on myself for not losing more weight and faster, I force myself to see where I was just a few months ago. I think its time I posted some pictures to that extent.

This is where I started, middle of June 2005.





And this is where I am now, November 2005, 67 pounds lighter and over half way to my goal of 150.






I still hate pictures, my smile ALWAYS sucks, but I cannot deny the progress. I've gone from size 28 jeans (that were tight) to size 18 jeans that already go on easy straight out of the dryer. Size 26 tops to size 18, sometimes normal size extra larges. Most of my ring don't even fit the right fingers anymore. My good suede coat wraps over at least 10 inches in the front when I used to nearly pop off the buttons.

Why do I sit here and tell myself its still not good enough? I'm afraid I'll hit my goal and still not be happy. The 'hanging fat' bugs the hell outta me, I'll be completely honest and I'm scared that it won't reabsorb. I don't know what to do about that except just hope and keep working out and lifting weights.

Communication

Why is it so hard for some people to communicate? Sometimes it feels easier to tell complete strangers every detail of your life instead of the friends and family that supposedly love you and care for you the most. How come the truth becomes painful and your mistakes and transgressions however small seem insurmountable when it comes to telling those around you daily.

Do we feel like we have to be perfect? Do we feel like they perhaps should just figure it all out and know without even being told? Hell I don't even quite know what I am saying either, except that I have to say it somewhere and the words just have to come before I burst.

Why is it that we can let ourselves be ignored by those we love the most, letting the claims of other things in their real lives take them away, knowing that yes, they do love us but its ok. Yes, I want your attention, but its ok because I understand that something else pulls you away right now. I'll be here when you are done. It hurts, but its ok cause I know you love me.

Why are we kinder to strangers than to the people we love the most? More considerate, more patient, more honest. Its just so hard to ask for attention, when you want them to just realize that you are feeling lonely and abandoned.

Not my kids,.. but..

I got one of my mom. A coworker got a pic and gave it to her. She said she managed to get to work before everyone else and had alot of fun. This is probably one of her best costumes that I've seen.




My mother, the tree.