Happy Halloween!

Well, only one child to trick or treat this year, and thats Megan. Not really sure what she is going as, something with Kat's old costume.

Kat will be a nerd while she hands out candy, and Vince has asked to walk Megan around for the night.

I'll try to post some pictures later!

How bad is bad?

So, last night I caved and gave in to an urge for pizza. It was like 5ish, didn't want to cook, Vince had a friend over and its so close to payday that we really didn't have much.. anyways.. excuses aside, I bought the pizza. And ya know what, it was damn good. Old Tammy woulda had 4-5 pieces + 3-4 pieces of crazy bread. Last night, two pieces, even picked off some of the pepperonis and 2 thin slices of the crazy bread.

I'm not gonna kill myself on this. I'm not going to deny myself every food I ever want. What I will do is learn to control myself. This is the first pizza out I've had since my visit to my folks and we had pizza at my Aunt's house. I just have to come to terms with everything and make sure I stay on track even if I indulge just a little. We've had some cookies in the house, I had 2-3 small ones as a snack, and that was it. I'm learning to live with food, not be ruled by it.

Thats the whole process. If I'm forever going to be afraid to eat something, then just what am I doing? I know I'm exercising, I know I'm eating right 90% of the time. What more can I ask of myself? This is a whole lifestyle change, not a diet, not a fad, not something I'm going to stop when I hit my goal.

Randomness

This morning I've been looking at some old stories of mine, was trying to figure out my progression of 'guilds' on my MMORPG. Was interesting looking back and remembering why I'd joined with certain people and how my play style had changed over the years.

I used to be a huge roleplayer, that was what the game was all about to me. The stories, the people, the development; none of it was supported by the game system either. We just made do the best we could. We actually had some sweeping sagas though, some huge story lines that entertained quite a few folks. But over time, it just got harder and harder, and you'd lose people to other servers, other realms, to disinterest and what not so it was more and more a struggle. And then of course, I discovered another way of play. For the longest time I tried to merge the two, but in the end, I just gave up. Maybe it was lack of new stories for my char, lack of ways to progress and move her through a stagnant world.

I'm still proud of the stories, even the early crappy ones. They were fun and moving to write, sometimes I look back and read some of them and wonder how I managed to write that. I think a few are still linked on some message boards, I'll look for a couple and try to link them here for the curious.

Basic premise for game: Three realms fighting a war against one another. Hibernia - land of celts, firbolgs, elves and nature's magic. Albion - land of humans, paladins, clerics, theurgists and sorcerers. Midgard - land of trolls, kobolds, norse and viking tenants. Each realm battles for dominance in a 'frontier'.

Ah, my mercenary Moryan. I loved this character very much, though I quickly realized I wasn't cut out to play a fighter kinda class. She still was fun as hell.

A Mercenary's Epilogue

Moryan's daughter, Rohaise. She was more trouble than Moryan by far!

A Contract Broken

Thrennoadae's big story. This was my cleric, my favorite and only character for about 2 years of game play. She was a celt that defected to Albion to fight against her people for the sake of a daughter born to an Albion cleric. For the longest time, she still considered herself a druid, a daughter of Hibernia.

The Search for Her Soul

There are alot more of my stories at Kelryck's forums, and alot of other decent writers as well.

Some people like boring

I waver on it myself, boring that is. There are times, days, weeks that go by when nothing at all exciting goes on in my life. Sure kids do some interesting things every day, but its not always something totally interesting to write about. Me, I dont have alot that goes on that would really interest some of my friends. I play a computer online game, a MMORPG if you will. I have alot of interesting moments there, but most wouldnt even get it unfortunately.

Most would actually probably frown on the time I spend there at all, but I don't let that bother me any more. I know that I spend my 'leisure' time and I still have plenty of time for the family. My house is for the most part clean, laundry is done, kids and cats are happy, and I've lost 65 pounds in 22 weeks. Its not justification, though I'm really good at doing that more than I need too. Its just conversation at this point and I know theres at least one person out there that worries bout me for that.

But in the end, I really do enjoy the game. I've got some truly wonderful friends there, one flew from TX to help me move two summers ago.. I enjoy the challenge and the strategy and I LOVE the interaction with other adults. For the curious at this point, its Dark Age of Camelot, link for the homepage in my sidebar.

Halfway...

So the scale this morning is hovering between 215 & 216, so I'm calling halfway! I don't even think theres any emotions attatched to this oddly enough. Not even the 'its about time' feeling, or 'wow I finally made it'. I'm just, content with where I am and how its going. Which I think is the best place for me to be with this. It means its my life changes and not some crash or fad thats doing this, but I KNOW it'll keep going down as long as I'm doing the right thing. Hell even when I slacked off for two weeks I still ended up losing 2 pounds over that time period.

Still though, I'm just so thrilled with my appearance now, I feel so fit and healthy ... feelings I havent had since Marching Band in high school.

Weekend Wrapup

Didn't post over the weekend, only a few things happened.

Megan is joining the Marching Elites http://marchingelites.org/ . Last year during intersession (shes in year round school) she joined one fun session called MOOT. She never did figure out what it meant, but they do marching and drills. Now the group did open enrollment and the fees are reasonable and time requirment is too. So, every saturday she'll go marching. She needs something she can call her own, and I can support this alot more than cheerleading, but I'd support that if she truly wanted it.

My mom and I talked before she went to my Aunt's property in southern Ohio for the third weekend. She sounded really good as she told me about the odd sounds in the middle of the night as they were visiting the homemade outhouse. Heh, I'd love to be there, specially now when I feel like I could really enjoy myself. Even the hard work would be fun I think. They are rebuilding the roof to the camper my Aunt keeps there before it collapses entirely.

As for Vincent, he went by bus to the mall again with his friend Patrick. Its great seeing him so independant and strong lately. He's really coming around. He also said that he couldn't get hold of his father, something about no phone service again. Hes also D&D'ing alot with friends, listening to him DM is funny, but hearing him fitting in with people and connecting is the best part.

Kat as well is finding her own friends again and making her own splash. She doesn't really have any activities yet, I hope we can find at least something to occupy her. She likes her internet time and as long as the computers stay together where we can monitor whats going on, I've got no worries bout her. Shes savvy and shows it.

Me? What did I do this weekend? I enjoyed myself on my game a bit, watched a movie or two, read alot of my Scandinavian history book. With so many friends in that area, I've become very eager for knowledge about that part of the world. My high school education was sorely lacking in these areas. Heck I dont think we ever got to the World Wars even in History. I also ordered my book on speaking/learning Danish, can't wait for that one. With wanting to go back to school sometime next year, I need to get myself into the habits of studying again. This is the perfect way for me to do it.

Now onto the cats.. Kriye, nothing to report, shes still dumb as a rock oh and i think shes pissing on the carpet again. Creeper has been extremely happy lately as we got her some catnip and her bouncy rubber balls. Its funny the comments we make as she's begging for the stuff, but she truly is addicted and watching her highs & lows is amusing. Nari is still my sweety. She purrs SO loud when she decides to wake me up at 4something in the morning.

Interesting

Amazing what a few days does for a person, and some unexpected news to lighten your heart. Something to look forward towards, not live for but something you had put into that 'well someday it'll happen' catagory.. that now becomes 'omgosh this might happen'.

I have this horrible time trying to keep a rein on emotions sometimes, well alot of times. I let my mind get carried away with things, thoughts, feelings... But this is something special and has that once in a lifetime quality to it that I feel like savoring and enjoying. I'll just keep my fingers crossed that it all works out in the end.

I doubt I'll ever forget it if it does.

Moody

Moody, and no, theres no pms excuse. I want things in my life that are damn near impossible for me to have, and sometimes I let myself get carried away with that and then I break down and scream and cry in the shower, hoping the hurt goes away with time.

Somedays it does, sometimes I can push it so far away that I don't think about it again for weeks at a time.. Other times it'll just linger there, and I can feel it in my heart. Just this dead weight, a dull ache that thuds as I try to function and forget about it.

I never do forget about it, sometimes I just wish I could let it go..

Getting back on track

Not gonna babble on about it, just getting myself back on schedule and working out again. Actually reminded me of how good it feels to do so, and remember how much more energy it gives me. So, with that in my pocket, we'll get this week going again. Tired of seeing the same number on the scale. Maybe if it was under 200 it'd look better, but 19 more pounds till then!

So, I've decided that once and for all I'll be learning Danish. Why Danish you say? Well, its pretty easy. My best friend is from there, I find the language intriguing and even though it seems rather 'gutteral' and I'm not sure how I'll ever make some of those sounds, I think it'll be worthwhile to learn. Also, I've recently joined with a group of people on my 'game' that are primarily Norwegian & Danish. The Dane understands about 98% of what they are saying, so I figure that'll work out just fine for me.

Best part is that I can start mostly by reading it, and listening now and then in ventrilo to them talking. I really do love the sounds of the languages, and when they speak English their accents are incredible.

So to that end, I think my most useful first phrase will be : Hvad betyder det? - What does that mean? *grins*

Now to find a free online danish course, since the one I was using now charges money.

Where oh where has my motivation gone?

Cause I'd really like to find it again. Its sorely terribly lacking. I'm trying to excuse it away that I'm just getting comfortable with what size I am now, that I'm feeling so good that it doesnt matter.

But it does matter. Completely. And I'm upset with myself that I'm letting myself down. I'm not pigging out on food, I'm not even eating more than I have been. I'm just not wanting to work out at all. Change of seasons, whatever it is, its just not there.

Time to get drastic on myself. I barely lost a pound this week and that just ain't gonna cut it. This is the most important thing I've ever done for myself, so why am I letting myself get bogged down with all this emotional crap and just letting myself get away with it. I don't understand. I feel so good right now, I look good. Megan can wrap her arms around my waist and hug me, hands clasped. I've been trying to figure out what size jeans I'll end up in, I'm guessing 14's at my very best.

But I'm not gonna get there if I take the easy road and don't get back into the game. Its nearly two weeks that I've been slacking and its showing. Its not lack of willpower, well it is a bit, its letting myself slip out of my habits of working out and when.

Time to get serious and get real and get the hell back on the treadmill and the weights.

I refuse to be a Yo-Yo

So, was reading a ton of stuff the last few days. I've been interested in Steve Vaught's journey across the US. He's starting in CA and traveling to NY, he left in April and intends to lose weight on his trip. He started over 400 pounds, and hes not quite halfway on the trip and hes lost just 50 pounds.

The Fat Man Walking

He's gotten alot of fame along the way, numerous TV appearances and newspaper articles, besides a guest book and yahoo groups. What gets me is listening to the people talk about his story, either in the guest book or the groups. The naysayers and the internet trolls are one thing, but so many people seem to think they have a say in how this man is walking its pathetic. But he has also regained 8 pounds. How do you regain 8 pounds when you are walking that much every day? And no, its not muscle.

What is really bothering me is reading the stories of other people and their losing weight stories. I don't think I've read a single success story as of yet. Not a single person that has lost a monsterous ammount of weight and kept it off. One lady's story that I read talked about her losing 30 pounds, gaining all but 6 back and she exercises and seems to eat right daily. Its so hard not to get discouraged, not to feel like you are going to ultimately fail.

I don't think I could do all this again. It would be too discouraging and disappointing. I WILL not fail and I will not regain this weight. I fully realize my goal might not be the weight I have chosen out of the air. I might stop at 160, I might go to 140 (highly doubt it) but I know that when I hit this goal finally, that I will fight hard to stay there. I've wasted enough of my life being fat and unattractive, I want to live the rest of my life in control of myself and my body.

I've said I've lost 11 years of fat already, I've gone down to what I was before I got pregnant with Megan. I still have 5 or so more years to get through. I've looked back to my high school year book and realize I never knew I'd gotten thin my senior year. I won't waste that feeling again. I know I'll never be that thin again, but I can get down to a size that feels good.

I will not be a yo-yo

Weee.. Tropical Storm Tammy!

Looks like I'm all wet!

Tropical Storm Tammy

Today's Babble

Well, I thought I'd be more babbling yesterday, but I didn't seem to get a chance. Not that I really did anything worth noting, but one distraction after another. A link in an article there, oh something interesting on TV for 5 minutes, a phone call, reading a forum or a blog... Then kids and husband home and just never got back to it.

I was VERY good over the weekend I'm realizing as Brian told me yesterday he'd gained five pounds. Of course 3 glasses of wine and numerous hersey kisses will do that for ya. My weight stayed within the 1-2 pound mark that I identify as my daily fluctuations, so I don't count any gain. I have a feeling I might not quite make 2 pounds lost this week though. First off I've just got NO drive to exercise. I made about half of my normal walking today and just sorta skipped the arm exercises. I scold myself and remind myself no one can do it but me, but it didn't seem to help today. And I have this HORRIBLE urge to snack on everything. I'm fighting it very hard, sticking to normal meals and snacks but its not easy today. I think part of me is saying well I made the wedding and impressed everyone, now I can slack off a bit. But I don't want that, I want to keep going. If nearly half way feels this good, then all the way will feel a thousand times better.

I want to go shopping and get a few more things to wear. I'm loving this new size. Yeah I've got a few 'bulges' to deal with, but they will go. Just time and effort and I'll get there.

I'll be 35 in a few short months, and thin for the first real time in my adult life. And money issues will be going away this next year too. I'll have to figure out how to deal with those pressures going away and deal with the new ones of Vince going to college in a year and a half, myself most likely going to college via online, and then the huge what if in my life of what will Brian do once he retires from the Navy. Its only 5 years away and he has absolutely no clue. I can't imagine making enough to support us both by then, and Katie will be going off to college the same year he retires, and Megan only in 10th grade or so.

Its good to sort this all out now, the weight, the bills... in a few years I don't think it'll be any easier to start. I just kick myself for not starting years ago, if I'd known it woulda ended up being this easy, .... but I wasn't ready, I wasn't at any point in my life to hear it. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and I just lay in that depression... I can't beat myself up over it now, but I'll never forget how completely miserable that time was, how wasted my life was.

At this moment, I couldn't be prouder to be a mother, to have my three beautiful, smart, intelligent and witty children who are on their way to being productive and exciting people in the world. I can't wait to see how their futures will be, who else they'll touch in their lives. Its so corny but honestly, it just amazes me that they are who they are.. and that I've actually managed to do something so important and do it well. I'm not living towards the future, but I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes each of them. I won't live in that past either, but I'll enjoy all these moments with them for as long as they can tolerate it *grins*

Wow..sappy enough eh?

Weekend Wedding

Wedding has come and gone, and yes, it was just as good as I had hoped. I felt gorgeous in my new dress and I got the reaction from the mother-in-law as I hoped. It felt awesome going in knowing I'd lost 60 pounds, having a waist and being able to dance and wiggle to the music like I wanted too.

Was really wonderful having a chance to sit and talk to family. We talked tons bout the kids (since they stayed home at a friend's house) and just had alot more adult time than normal.

Probably post more later, Vince had a very interesting weekend bus trip. But for now its time to go work out and get myself going again. Way too much time off last week and I already feel the reluctance to go exercise. Time to shake off the cobwebs!