Archive: Key Two

Emotional Healing...

Been over and over this one, I honestly don't believe I eat to heal or soothe myself. I eat because I love the taste of food, or frankly when I'm bored. I've been over and over the chapter, reading the self-audit tests and some of my stuff falls a little into the catagories, but nothing outstanding. Not like some of the other glaringly obvious things in my life. So, I'm going to try to move on from that one, and just watch for anything I do that might be part of that.

In other news, shoes are bought, scale is bought. The really bad news.. 280 pounds. Yup, almost exactly what I guessed. So my goal is 150. Very reasonable for my height & age and frankly would be a dream come true. 130 pounds. I'd love to lose it in a year, if I lose 10 pounds a month I can. But I'm not going to kill myself getting there, but its my tentative goal. If I get halfway I'll be more than thrilled.

I'll most likely weigh myself daily, but I'll post my weekly results on my calendar at home to watch how I'm doing.

Also, under other great news, Vincent is working with me, and we found out he only needs to lose about 25-30 pounds at his height to be at a better weight. Also I don't want him skimping out since hes still growing and thats a very bad thing. With this new eating, he's learning alot and already changing his cooking habits to accomodate more.

We are getting there.

Archive

So I let my mom know what I'm up to last night. I think its the first time I've really discussed my weight with my mom other than the 'oh looks like you lost a few pounds' comments I get now and then. Not saying she never cared, she does.. ALOT.. just that she knew it was up to me to do it. We talked ALOT about different foods, and I figured out one of my key dissuations of myself most likely came from dad.. sorry dad.. but the ability I have to say.. fuck it all.. when I screw up definitely came from him.

But good news, shes got a treadmill she no longer uses, and dad can't use.. we are gonna see how we can possibly get it down here. I don't think it'll fit in the car, even minus one kid. Maybe can ship it down. Worst comes to worst... oh Heather... when you bring Katie home at the end of summer.. think it'd fit in the back? *grins*

more on the next "key" later.. I'm still trying to figure it out for myself.. its about emotions and eating. Not sure how much I fall into that catagory, but I don't want to deny it if its true, just still trying to analyze it.

Archive

So today, I get into a pair of pants I haven't worn for a year. Still tight? yeah a little, but I don't want to continue wearing the 'loose' ones, they don't encourage me to lose more. And damn but it feels good to be in real jeans again.

My diet is still on the move in the right direction. Finding the ability to keep fresh fruit in the house is currently my challenge, but I'm working on it. Found a couple yogurts I like, on payday will try some more. This will be the first full grocery run with the new menu in place, we'll see how it stacks up to what I already spend. Cutting out chips and snacks and the like will definitely help on that front, just replacing them with fresh fruits and veggies.

I still find myself hungry often during the day, but I know I'm getting enough to eat. Damn tv commercials promoting this restaurant or that meal.. UGH. But I'm sticking with it hard, and damn proud of myself for it.

I think I can FEEL the difference too. Good food keeps me more alert, more awake. I've also gotten my house in the best condition its been since we moved in. Thats making me feel even better. Had alot on my mind though in other regards, so sleeping hasn't been the best. I keep budgeting and looking over numbers over and over for this trip I wanna take to ohio. We are going regardless, but the more cash I free up the better overall. We wanna take a side trip up to Niagra Falls and then to a friend of mine in Toronto. I REALLY want to go, I haven't seen him in ages, or met his wife and baby girl. And the experience for the kids would be wonderful as well. THey've never been out of the country, even though its Canada its still something.

I keep thinking of the things we still need, Katie needs a bag for the trip, something decent, and theres still some summer clothes the kids need. Oye, sometimes it never stops. I keep reminding myself that a year from now, our money issues will be nearly gone. Next year at tax time, I pay off HUGE chunks of bills, and by the end of 2006, bam.. everything but the car should be paid off. I'm staying realistic enough that I know stuff might come up, and I also make sure that we still have money to play with each month. Sometimes I feel freaking anal about it, but eh, if I don't have a handle on it, then I won't know what to expect. And the fact that I knew down to almost hte penny what we had available is how we got the new car. So it was well worth it there alone.

Back to the main subject though... I'm feeling better. My thoughts are coming in line with where they should be and I'm feeling more encouraged than I ever have before. I'm gonna do this.

Archive: 7 keys

Alright, so corny for some, for me it's just right. The book I'm following has 7 keys. Master the keys, and you learn how to change yourself so that eating right and weight control are natural. I've been learning that all my life I've never known how to eat right, and that I've only gotten worse as I got older. The last few years I've been getting closer, with my son loving to cook and our meals getting healthier overall and more diverse, but its still not enough. Funny thing is, I realize how well and right my grandmother ate, all those gross things I never wanted to touch.. squash being one of the first things that comes to mind.

So, first key is Right Thinking. Getting rid of negative self talk. Sounds easy? Not when you've been telling yourself for years that you aren't going to ever lose this weight, that its impossible. Telling myself that well I made a mistake there, why even bother. I've got TONS of negative thoughts. I remember when I was in high school, I'd started getting heavy 8-9th grade I believe, then I went into marching band. I NEVER EVER realized that I'd lost weight. I still thought of myself as fat. And whats funny is that the amount of 'fat' I was then is nothing compared to now, yet I remember my horrible self image. I look back at my high school senior picture now and I could cry about how beautiful I looked and the fact that I never had a clue.

I have to defeat this part of myself, the part that never wants to admit that I can look good. The part that tells myself I'm always going to be fat and heavy, and definitely unattractive. I fake it good sometimes, I can be as bubbly and fun as the next person but I feel myself still hiding and cringing behind this barrier I put up wondering if anyone will let themselves in to see the real me, see beyond the wall of fat that I love to hide behind. Obviously I must get something from being this weight. I have never really tried diets like alot of other chronically obese people. I just decided that this is what was going to be normal for me. And slowly over the years, I've just gotten heavier. I don't know my exact weight yet, need payday to hit before I can get that dreaded scale.

So.. to adjust my 'right thinking' I'm constantly listening to myself and making sure I use words like changing my life style, instead of saying i'm on a diet. Diets are doomed to failure. This isn't a diet, its a new way of life. I'm not saying I'm 'trying' to lose weight, I'm GOING to lose weight. I'm not telling myself that I'll start tomorrow (cept for the walking part!!) but I already started the day I got the book.

Instead of no breakfast or fruit loops... I've been having a wheat muffin, VERY little low-fat butter, a banana and some strawberries. I've been taste testing different no-fat yogurts. I've been reading more and more labels, looking for low-fat/no-fat versions of my favorite foods. Reading the 'serving size' and trying to not exceed it, or even go under if I add other foods. We'll be buying only whole-grain breads from now on, spaghetti, I'll be looking for better sauces than what I'm using. Every small change is going to add up and make a difference.

Archive: Beginning

So, I've been thinking that I needed to start writing here, but not really sure which parts of my life I wanted to talk about. Everyone has something that they'd rather not share with the whole world, even if the majority might be anonymous strangers that only glimpse into what you put forward. But still, I know even if I don't show this to friends, someone might still stumble into it and then I know I want to keep parts of me just for myself.

With all that muck being said, my main purpose now is that I have one major goal in my life, to get healthy. I can't stand my weight any longer, I can't stand how I look and how I feel. Frankly, straight forward I'm fat, overweight, obese.. any one of those terms work. Unlike some people that see 10-30 pounds as something horrible, I know I'm at least 100 pounds if not 125 overweight. I don't know the exact number as I have not owned a scale in a very long time. Scales tell the truth after all. At this point I'm still afraid to buy one, just having in my cart feels like you are parading through the store with a box of tampons shouting you are on the rag.

My thighs are whats killing me... I can't stand to see how they look in the mirror. Healthy bodies don't look like this and I'm going to change mine. I'm only 34, I have time but I figure its slipping away from me constantly. HOw'd I get this way? I'd love to blame having 3 kids, but its really not that. I never lost the weight after having the kids, so that didn't help. I have family members that are extremely heavy, but thats not it either. I just don't excercise (reason #1) and I don't eat right (reason #2). I've figured out that changing just those two simple steps will help me more than any fad or crash diet. I've always been a person that doesn't 'move' as much as others. I never liked sports.. I don't like to jog (god my boobs bounce too much for that) watching movies and playing computer games are my two favorite things to do. But I know I don't have to give up that either. I just have to make a point to make time to get my ass off the chair and WALK. I can't afford a subscription to a gym right now, and frankly I think I'd be too embarassed and it would be easier for me to say I didn't have the time (not like thats really true either) to go. But walking.. I just need 30-45 minutes a day for that. It doesn't even have to be every day to start, every other day will work. Just to build myself up to where I'm not screaming out of breath when I do it.

The other aspect is food. Everything I've been reading lately is showing me how horrible my intake has been. Some simple changes I've been working on a while. I gave up soda in all forms last July when we moved to where we are now. I have the occasional when we are out, but I'd say easily 90% of my intake for liquid has been water for nearly a year now. I'm proud of myself for that, but its not enough. I don't really think I've actually lost weight, just kept it from getting worse. The hardest part is that my son is becoming an excellent cook. I mean, he makes things that knocks what restaurants make out of the park. Its delicious. But I can cope with that as well, I just need to eat LESS. If its really good, it'll still be really good for leftovers the next day. Portion control, its that simple. It doesn't take willpower, it takes being sensible and just learning what you have to do.

The last few days I've been eating tons more of fruit, I've gotten whole wheat bread, I'm even trying fat-free yogurt. This is serious for me. Frankly, I'm scared that I'll never lose it and that I'll get diabetes like my father and I'll be heading down that same path. I can stop and control this now. If I can do this, I figure a year, maybe two and I can reach my goal weight. My goal? 140-150ish. I don't need perfection, I don't need to look like a swim suit model. I just want to be healthy. I want to not be out of breath when I play games with my kids and run around at the park with them.

On payday, two of my purchases will be a good pair of walking shoes and a scale. I realize I might have to have Brian buy the scale for me, but if its in the house I know I'll have a morbid curiosity to use it, so I'm not afraid of that.

My upcoming trip to Ohio worries me only a little. Yes I know I'll most likely have to eat fast food (yes, I'm a fast food junkie) on the way at least once or twice. But I know I can simply get the smaller burger and no fries, and follow it up with some fruit from the cooler. I can do this. I'm already less hungry as my body is adjusting to eating less. I still need to get on the walking, but honestly I have crap for shoes right now and that hurts my feet and calves and payday is only a little over a week away. Its not an excuse, its realizing how serious I want to take this, and I can't take it serious if I hurt for stupid reasons while doing it.

I even bought a book from a well respected author on how to do this. Some might laugh but I really respect this guy, (its Dr. Phil for the curious) and I can relate to how he talks to people. I've also decided to be more open and talk to my friends about what I'm feeling and going through. If they all know I'm working on it (not trying, working) then they'll be more supportive as well. I have some of the best friends in the world (literally) and I know they'll be there for me as I do this. So will my family, at least most of them.

Overall, my whole family's health will end up being better as we change our diets a bit, eat more fruit and vegetables and I take the kids on my walks in the evenings. More family time is always a good thing and thats something I've been working on for a while as well. I went through a pretty bad depression 2.5 years ago, it lasted about 6-8 months (time is very fuzzy then) and it really really hurt my kids. I regret every minute of it, I have no justification for it but I understand why it happened. I live 500+ miles from any family members, and sometimes I go a year without visits. My husband was out to sea and the war in Iraq had just started. Also something very tragic happened to my cousin and her daughter and it hit me very badly. I was too far away to do anything, I was scared, upset, hurt and very very angry. Again, I'm not justifying any of it, but I just curled up into this ball and tried to forget the world existed. My house went to hell, my kids.. god ... my kids are amazing let me say that first and foremost. They got themselves up, went to school, did homework and managed to get through it all without me pretty much. I'm so very terribly sorry for what they went through then, but I'd like to think that things have come full circle and we are more on track now and focused on whats important. I don't want to dwell on that time of my life, its embarassing and full of shame for me. I want to focus on now and the future and the good and right things I'm doing. I can't change what I did then, but I can make damn well sure it won't happen again.

This is long, but honestly I don't know and don't really care if anyone ever reads it beyond me. Some of the hurdles I've passed already is getting fast food for Brian and not myself, passing up my favorite snacks in favor of fruit and just BUYING a book in the first place to admit my desire to change. I know it won't be perfect and I know it'll take some time. I know I'll make mistakes and I'll backslide now and then. But I know that I WANT to succeed and I want to move forward with my life and be half the person I am now. For myself, for my kids, for my family.

Being skinny won't solve all my problems. It won't pay the bills and it won't make things good and perfect all over. But it'll make me more comfortable in my own skin and make it easier for me to do everything in life I want to do.

This is the first step, I know what I have to do, I've already made some of the changes and taken steps to make more.