Archive: Beginning
So, I've been thinking that I needed to start writing here, but not really sure which parts of my life I wanted to talk about. Everyone has something that they'd rather not share with the whole world, even if the majority might be anonymous strangers that only glimpse into what you put forward. But still, I know even if I don't show this to friends, someone might still stumble into it and then I know I want to keep parts of me just for myself.
With all that muck being said, my main purpose now is that I have one major goal in my life, to get healthy. I can't stand my weight any longer, I can't stand how I look and how I feel. Frankly, straight forward I'm fat, overweight, obese.. any one of those terms work. Unlike some people that see 10-30 pounds as something horrible, I know I'm at least 100 pounds if not 125 overweight. I don't know the exact number as I have not owned a scale in a very long time. Scales tell the truth after all. At this point I'm still afraid to buy one, just having in my cart feels like you are parading through the store with a box of tampons shouting you are on the rag.
My thighs are whats killing me... I can't stand to see how they look in the mirror. Healthy bodies don't look like this and I'm going to change mine. I'm only 34, I have time but I figure its slipping away from me constantly. HOw'd I get this way? I'd love to blame having 3 kids, but its really not that. I never lost the weight after having the kids, so that didn't help. I have family members that are extremely heavy, but thats not it either. I just don't excercise (reason #1) and I don't eat right (reason #2). I've figured out that changing just those two simple steps will help me more than any fad or crash diet. I've always been a person that doesn't 'move' as much as others. I never liked sports.. I don't like to jog (god my boobs bounce too much for that) watching movies and playing computer games are my two favorite things to do. But I know I don't have to give up that either. I just have to make a point to make time to get my ass off the chair and WALK. I can't afford a subscription to a gym right now, and frankly I think I'd be too embarassed and it would be easier for me to say I didn't have the time (not like thats really true either) to go. But walking.. I just need 30-45 minutes a day for that. It doesn't even have to be every day to start, every other day will work. Just to build myself up to where I'm not screaming out of breath when I do it.
The other aspect is food. Everything I've been reading lately is showing me how horrible my intake has been. Some simple changes I've been working on a while. I gave up soda in all forms last July when we moved to where we are now. I have the occasional when we are out, but I'd say easily 90% of my intake for liquid has been water for nearly a year now. I'm proud of myself for that, but its not enough. I don't really think I've actually lost weight, just kept it from getting worse. The hardest part is that my son is becoming an excellent cook. I mean, he makes things that knocks what restaurants make out of the park. Its delicious. But I can cope with that as well, I just need to eat LESS. If its really good, it'll still be really good for leftovers the next day. Portion control, its that simple. It doesn't take willpower, it takes being sensible and just learning what you have to do.
The last few days I've been eating tons more of fruit, I've gotten whole wheat bread, I'm even trying fat-free yogurt. This is serious for me. Frankly, I'm scared that I'll never lose it and that I'll get diabetes like my father and I'll be heading down that same path. I can stop and control this now. If I can do this, I figure a year, maybe two and I can reach my goal weight. My goal? 140-150ish. I don't need perfection, I don't need to look like a swim suit model. I just want to be healthy. I want to not be out of breath when I play games with my kids and run around at the park with them.
On payday, two of my purchases will be a good pair of walking shoes and a scale. I realize I might have to have Brian buy the scale for me, but if its in the house I know I'll have a morbid curiosity to use it, so I'm not afraid of that.
My upcoming trip to Ohio worries me only a little. Yes I know I'll most likely have to eat fast food (yes, I'm a fast food junkie) on the way at least once or twice. But I know I can simply get the smaller burger and no fries, and follow it up with some fruit from the cooler. I can do this. I'm already less hungry as my body is adjusting to eating less. I still need to get on the walking, but honestly I have crap for shoes right now and that hurts my feet and calves and payday is only a little over a week away. Its not an excuse, its realizing how serious I want to take this, and I can't take it serious if I hurt for stupid reasons while doing it.
I even bought a book from a well respected author on how to do this. Some might laugh but I really respect this guy, (its Dr. Phil for the curious) and I can relate to how he talks to people. I've also decided to be more open and talk to my friends about what I'm feeling and going through. If they all know I'm working on it (not trying, working) then they'll be more supportive as well. I have some of the best friends in the world (literally) and I know they'll be there for me as I do this. So will my family, at least most of them.
Overall, my whole family's health will end up being better as we change our diets a bit, eat more fruit and vegetables and I take the kids on my walks in the evenings. More family time is always a good thing and thats something I've been working on for a while as well. I went through a pretty bad depression 2.5 years ago, it lasted about 6-8 months (time is very fuzzy then) and it really really hurt my kids. I regret every minute of it, I have no justification for it but I understand why it happened. I live 500+ miles from any family members, and sometimes I go a year without visits. My husband was out to sea and the war in Iraq had just started. Also something very tragic happened to my cousin and her daughter and it hit me very badly. I was too far away to do anything, I was scared, upset, hurt and very very angry. Again, I'm not justifying any of it, but I just curled up into this ball and tried to forget the world existed. My house went to hell, my kids.. god ... my kids are amazing let me say that first and foremost. They got themselves up, went to school, did homework and managed to get through it all without me pretty much. I'm so very terribly sorry for what they went through then, but I'd like to think that things have come full circle and we are more on track now and focused on whats important. I don't want to dwell on that time of my life, its embarassing and full of shame for me. I want to focus on now and the future and the good and right things I'm doing. I can't change what I did then, but I can make damn well sure it won't happen again.
This is long, but honestly I don't know and don't really care if anyone ever reads it beyond me. Some of the hurdles I've passed already is getting fast food for Brian and not myself, passing up my favorite snacks in favor of fruit and just BUYING a book in the first place to admit my desire to change. I know it won't be perfect and I know it'll take some time. I know I'll make mistakes and I'll backslide now and then. But I know that I WANT to succeed and I want to move forward with my life and be half the person I am now. For myself, for my kids, for my family.
Being skinny won't solve all my problems. It won't pay the bills and it won't make things good and perfect all over. But it'll make me more comfortable in my own skin and make it easier for me to do everything in life I want to do.
This is the first step, I know what I have to do, I've already made some of the changes and taken steps to make more.
With all that muck being said, my main purpose now is that I have one major goal in my life, to get healthy. I can't stand my weight any longer, I can't stand how I look and how I feel. Frankly, straight forward I'm fat, overweight, obese.. any one of those terms work. Unlike some people that see 10-30 pounds as something horrible, I know I'm at least 100 pounds if not 125 overweight. I don't know the exact number as I have not owned a scale in a very long time. Scales tell the truth after all. At this point I'm still afraid to buy one, just having in my cart feels like you are parading through the store with a box of tampons shouting you are on the rag.
My thighs are whats killing me... I can't stand to see how they look in the mirror. Healthy bodies don't look like this and I'm going to change mine. I'm only 34, I have time but I figure its slipping away from me constantly. HOw'd I get this way? I'd love to blame having 3 kids, but its really not that. I never lost the weight after having the kids, so that didn't help. I have family members that are extremely heavy, but thats not it either. I just don't excercise (reason #1) and I don't eat right (reason #2). I've figured out that changing just those two simple steps will help me more than any fad or crash diet. I've always been a person that doesn't 'move' as much as others. I never liked sports.. I don't like to jog (god my boobs bounce too much for that) watching movies and playing computer games are my two favorite things to do. But I know I don't have to give up that either. I just have to make a point to make time to get my ass off the chair and WALK. I can't afford a subscription to a gym right now, and frankly I think I'd be too embarassed and it would be easier for me to say I didn't have the time (not like thats really true either) to go. But walking.. I just need 30-45 minutes a day for that. It doesn't even have to be every day to start, every other day will work. Just to build myself up to where I'm not screaming out of breath when I do it.
The other aspect is food. Everything I've been reading lately is showing me how horrible my intake has been. Some simple changes I've been working on a while. I gave up soda in all forms last July when we moved to where we are now. I have the occasional when we are out, but I'd say easily 90% of my intake for liquid has been water for nearly a year now. I'm proud of myself for that, but its not enough. I don't really think I've actually lost weight, just kept it from getting worse. The hardest part is that my son is becoming an excellent cook. I mean, he makes things that knocks what restaurants make out of the park. Its delicious. But I can cope with that as well, I just need to eat LESS. If its really good, it'll still be really good for leftovers the next day. Portion control, its that simple. It doesn't take willpower, it takes being sensible and just learning what you have to do.
The last few days I've been eating tons more of fruit, I've gotten whole wheat bread, I'm even trying fat-free yogurt. This is serious for me. Frankly, I'm scared that I'll never lose it and that I'll get diabetes like my father and I'll be heading down that same path. I can stop and control this now. If I can do this, I figure a year, maybe two and I can reach my goal weight. My goal? 140-150ish. I don't need perfection, I don't need to look like a swim suit model. I just want to be healthy. I want to not be out of breath when I play games with my kids and run around at the park with them.
On payday, two of my purchases will be a good pair of walking shoes and a scale. I realize I might have to have Brian buy the scale for me, but if its in the house I know I'll have a morbid curiosity to use it, so I'm not afraid of that.
My upcoming trip to Ohio worries me only a little. Yes I know I'll most likely have to eat fast food (yes, I'm a fast food junkie) on the way at least once or twice. But I know I can simply get the smaller burger and no fries, and follow it up with some fruit from the cooler. I can do this. I'm already less hungry as my body is adjusting to eating less. I still need to get on the walking, but honestly I have crap for shoes right now and that hurts my feet and calves and payday is only a little over a week away. Its not an excuse, its realizing how serious I want to take this, and I can't take it serious if I hurt for stupid reasons while doing it.
I even bought a book from a well respected author on how to do this. Some might laugh but I really respect this guy, (its Dr. Phil for the curious) and I can relate to how he talks to people. I've also decided to be more open and talk to my friends about what I'm feeling and going through. If they all know I'm working on it (not trying, working) then they'll be more supportive as well. I have some of the best friends in the world (literally) and I know they'll be there for me as I do this. So will my family, at least most of them.
Overall, my whole family's health will end up being better as we change our diets a bit, eat more fruit and vegetables and I take the kids on my walks in the evenings. More family time is always a good thing and thats something I've been working on for a while as well. I went through a pretty bad depression 2.5 years ago, it lasted about 6-8 months (time is very fuzzy then) and it really really hurt my kids. I regret every minute of it, I have no justification for it but I understand why it happened. I live 500+ miles from any family members, and sometimes I go a year without visits. My husband was out to sea and the war in Iraq had just started. Also something very tragic happened to my cousin and her daughter and it hit me very badly. I was too far away to do anything, I was scared, upset, hurt and very very angry. Again, I'm not justifying any of it, but I just curled up into this ball and tried to forget the world existed. My house went to hell, my kids.. god ... my kids are amazing let me say that first and foremost. They got themselves up, went to school, did homework and managed to get through it all without me pretty much. I'm so very terribly sorry for what they went through then, but I'd like to think that things have come full circle and we are more on track now and focused on whats important. I don't want to dwell on that time of my life, its embarassing and full of shame for me. I want to focus on now and the future and the good and right things I'm doing. I can't change what I did then, but I can make damn well sure it won't happen again.
This is long, but honestly I don't know and don't really care if anyone ever reads it beyond me. Some of the hurdles I've passed already is getting fast food for Brian and not myself, passing up my favorite snacks in favor of fruit and just BUYING a book in the first place to admit my desire to change. I know it won't be perfect and I know it'll take some time. I know I'll make mistakes and I'll backslide now and then. But I know that I WANT to succeed and I want to move forward with my life and be half the person I am now. For myself, for my kids, for my family.
Being skinny won't solve all my problems. It won't pay the bills and it won't make things good and perfect all over. But it'll make me more comfortable in my own skin and make it easier for me to do everything in life I want to do.
This is the first step, I know what I have to do, I've already made some of the changes and taken steps to make more.
posted by Tammy at
10:19 AM
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